Control and the other me
by T'Pau Silver
Summary: The weight of living up to expectations can be too much when you're already on the edge of your control. Massive spoilers for the end of the series.


Title : Control and the other me

Fandom: Escaflowne

Pairing: Gen

Rating: PG-13

Words: 2217

Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form own anything, I make no profit from this work of fiction

What's happening to me? I'm meant to be cured. I don't want this confusion any more. This feeling that at any second I might be torn away, torn in two. That I might become him again.

Well, that's a lie. I am him, and he's me.

I didn't tell anyone that. It's easier to let them believe we're separate, that I'm here and he's gone. But he isn't. We're not separate people, we're the same. When whatever happened in that battlefield happened, I kind of woke up…but he didn't go to sleep.

It's hard to explain. I don't know if I can. I have my thoughts, but then, at the same time, I have his too. Not like his voice talking to me, but like his thoughts. His memories. I'll hold Allen and I'll remember trying to kill him. I'll be alone in my room for a second and I'll begin to panic.

But that bit could be all of me and him. I don't like being alone any more. Allen tells me I don't have to be alone now, but it's a lie. I have to be alone all the time. I'm alone right now, lying on my mattress, staring at the ceiling. I'm so horribly alone. Horrible, horrible.

Why won't someone stay with me? Why have that all gone and left me. I don't want to be alone! Don't they know I can't be alone! They took me away and I was alone and I don't want to be like that any more!

I know, really I do, that people are just a few rooms away. But that doesn't stop the emptiness. The emptiness that is inside but I don't know who it belongs to. That's the worst thing, I don't know what's him and what's me. I know there is a me, Allen remembers me, but there's him to, and nobody wants him.

But, if nobody wants him, and I am him, then nobody will want me. And if nobody wants me, I'll be alone…and I don't want to be alone. Can it be so hard to just not be him?

But then, maybe I do want to be alone. But I'm scared if I'm alone, he'll come to the front again. And I'll be him, and not me again.

But I am him now, a little...

Why can't I just be Celena? Why can't I just be Allen's sister? I should be now, they all think I am. They all think I'm cured, that something made him go away. As if life were that simple.

What would they say if they knew he never really existed. That he was me all along. I am we, he is I are us…

Even the grammar of it upsets me. There are no words to describe how I am. There are only words for what I want to be. I was to be Celena. I want to be sister. I want to be friend. I want to be loved. I want to be surrounded, held, cared for, never left alone again.

And yes, I know it's too much to ask. I know it's wrong for me to even think of asking. The only one I can ask for anything is Allen. He's the only one who cares for me, and he'd give me everything I ask, I think.

I want him to be with me for ever. But…

I hate him.

But that bit's not me, that bit's him. The other me that's not me hates Allen. Hates him with a passion. He hates that we need him, he hates feeling desperate for his touch, for another human when Allen's the only one around, even though he's more lonely then the part of me that isn't him…I think…

If there is a part of me that isn't him.

I can't lay here any more! These thoughts going round in my head! I need to move. I need to get out. I push myself up from the bed, letting my nightgown fall around me, shaking it out. It feels sticky against my skin, hot and wet and stifling. Clinging. Choking,

I don't want to be me any more! Either of me!

I think about changing my clothes, but it's too late now. I'd have to bother someone…and I don't want to bother anyone. I just want to go for a walk. Just a little walk. Everything will be fine then.

If I can just keep busy, wear myself out, then I won't have to think. Won't have to think about who I am and what I should be or anything. If I get tired enough I might not even think at all.

I know my way around by now, it's not rare for me to take these walks in the evening. I tell people it's to calm myself, smile at them if I see them. I stop myself a moment and practice my smile. I can still do it. As long as I can smile like the me they want, as long as I can keep the smile from twisting, keep them from suspecting, I'll be fine.

I don't often see anyone in the night anyway, they're all asleep. Asleep or avoiding me. Not that I blame them.

I don't look where I'm going. A part of me wants to be lost then I have an excuse to be out all night. I can say I went for a walk and got lost. A part of me wants to find the garden…and part of my loves the garden but I don't know which part it is any more. It is her or him….

The biggest part of me wants to find Allen. To see him while I'm walking to corridor. To run to him and hold him and have him tell me everything will be fine. If I cry, he'll hold me close. If I tell him I don't like to be alone in the dark, he won't leave me alone.

The dark is bad. Not always. I think there was a time I liked the dark. Just, not the total dark. I liked the sky when it was dark, with stars. I think I looked for patterns in them. Maybe Allen played that game with me, I don't remember. Maybe he'd play it again if I found him. We could pass the time, looking at the stars.

But a part of me hates the dark, even with the stars in it. Hates it or is scared of it, I don't know. I can't remember why I hate it either. I think maybe it was something they did to me when I was him. Maybe, then, it's something I'd be better forgetting.

I don't mean for my feet to take me anywhere in particular. But they do. I wonder which one of me brought us here. I think it was the part they call Celena, that part I'm meant to be now. The part who's thoughts I should know.

Allen's door.

He's in there. He must be. I think it's awfully late, for too late for him to be out. If only I could push the door open, if only I could go to him and wake him and cry on him. Then it would all get better. He can fix me, I know he can. I know he wants to.

I've got this far before, but never any further then this. I always stand here, my hand on the door, waiting for him to come out. I've never been able to push it open before, but tonight I feel bold. Tonight, I want to go in. I want to go on…and maybe hurt something.

But that's a bad thought, that's his thought, I can't have that.

I wish his thoughts wouldn't be in my head. Everything would be ok if his thoughts weren't in my head.

But, never the less, he seems to spur me on. I push the door lightly and it opens. The latch must not have taken properly when he shut it. It shouldn't be this easy to get in.

Maybe the voice will be quiet now that I've done what it wants? I slip into the room, quiet as I can. I don't want to disturb Allen, I can't let him know anything's wrong. If he knows something's wrong he might guess what, then he'll hate me.

But…it's so dark in here. So dark. The heavy drapes are drawn in the windows and the line of light I left, from where the door is open a crack, it's not enough to see by, not really. I need more light. I need to be out of this darkness…but I can't leave the room. Not after I've taken so much to get in here.

I open the door a touch more and the light from the night sky outside comes in a little. It's only dim light to start with. But I'm used to it, even if I don't like it.

And there are matches, lying there in the shallow light as if they were left just for me to find!

Matches, fire, light, power.

I used to have power, I used to have fire. I used to burn, burn everything! It was so beautiful, so strong! So much power! People ran in fear before me, I could hurt them. I could hurt anyone. I was almost like a god, and I was adored. People around me, and I shared my power with them, and the loved me. And I love them. And I love fire.

The match box is in my hand but my fingers are trembling too much for me to strike the match. It's so close, it's in my grasp. If I had fire, Allen wouldn't dare to leave me alone. If I had it, I'd be strong, and Allen would care for me, and everyone would fear me. I would never have to be alone in the dark again!

No more indecisiveness and pitying glances, whispers behind my back and funny looks. I'll burn them all! All of them!

I start. I've done it, the match is lit! And I can't do anything but stare into the flame. In it, I see all the people I've killed. I see whole towns burn to the ground. I see people screaming, begging for their life. I know my people are near. I feel strong, safe, whole. I smell burning flesh.

The light goes out. The last part, that wasn't just something I saw in the flame. I didn't even feel as it burnt into my fingers, but they're what put the flame out. I can't feel them, even now I know. I'm numb.

But in the numbness, there is strength.

I manage to light another. I'm hungry for the flame now. I reach out with it, I want to touch things with it, reach things with it's power. I touch it to the drapes and I think I laugh as they go up, I touch it to the bedside table, then I touch it to Allen, lay it on his hair.

And it looks so beautiful. And it looks so strong. I want to hold it. I want to be in it and surrounded by it. I throw myself onto the flames.

But then, the desire's gone. And horror hits me, horror and pain. I think I'm screaming but I don't know. I think I'm crying…but everything stings. I can't feel it through the pain, whatever's happening. I can't hear through the screaming in my ears.

I let go. I let him seduce me, let him win control. I let myself slip, this careful paper-thin façade my myself…I let go and I'm burning.

Everything's burning. Burning with bright beautiful flame. It's beautiful and it hurts so, so much.

I hear movement and I turn. Allen is in the doorway, his eyes wide. He must have run away from me. He looks funny with half his hair burned away. There's light everywhere, I can see him now. I made light for you Allen. We made light, both of me. But I did it because I love you Allen, I didn't want to hurt you. It was he who wanted to hurt you Allen.

Please believe my, Allen.

Please love me, Allen.

Please don't leave me alone, Allen…

I reach out, it hurts to move. The fire's gone, but I don't know where. It's dying now, and I don't know how. I don't want to it go away. Please make them stop, Allen, please hold me, Allen.

But you just look at me. Your eyes are wide and your mouth hangs open in shock. Do I scare you, Allen? I scare me.

Maybe, if I could make him go away, you'd love me again. But he won't go away, ever. He's part of me and I'm part of him. And as I sit here now, I know the burns on us must be bad, I think my clothes are gone, someone's trying to wrap a blanket to cover me, but I just feel warm. Warm and happy. I'm in the light and people are with me and I'm warm.

Allen, would you love me if I could make him stop laughing with my mouth?


End file.
